I am sending you this letter to inform you that this is the last time I will see you or your friend. Even though I’ve been your friend for seven years, I have nothing to show for it. During the previous two weeks, it has been a living nightmare. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when your manager contacted me to inform me of your resignation from your job today. A week ago, when you returned home from work, you didn’t even notice that I had prepared your favourite dish, gotten a new haircut, and donned brand-new silk briefs for the occasion. Following the conclusion of all of your soap operas, you consumed your meal in less than two minutes before retiring to bed. You no longer tell me you love me, and you have no desire to have carnal relations with me or engage in any other behaviour that would indicate we are married. I will leave regardless of whether or not you are cheating on me or if you no longer adore me.

former companion of yours

PS: Don’t even bother searching for me. Together with YOUR SISTER, I will be relocating to West Virginia. Have a good time in life!

Good morning, former spouse!

Receiving your note was the best thing that could have happened to me today. Despite the fact that we have been married for seven years, you have not been a particularly respectable man. I spend so much time viewing soap operas because they allow me to ignore your constant muttering and grumbling. It would be a tragedy if it did not work out. I was aware that you had a haircut the previous week, but my initial reaction was, “You look just like a girl!” My mother always instructed me to remain silent if I did not have something positive to say. Due to the fact that I ceased eating pork seven years ago, you probably mistook me for MY SISTER when you prepared one of my favourite dishes containing pork. The fact that these brand-new silk undergarments had a price tag of $49.99 caused me to look away from you, and I assumed it was a mere coincidence that it occurred on the same day that I loaned $50 to my sister earlier in the day. I continued to adore you despite everything that had transpired, and I believed that we could make our relationship work. Following the announcement that I had won $10 million in the lottery, I resigned from my position and used the money to schedule a family vacation to Jamaica. Nonetheless, when I returned home, you were not there to embrace me. I presume everything that occurs has a purpose. I wish you find the happiness and fulfilment you’ve been seeking in life. According to the claims of my legal counsel, the letter you penned guarantees that you will not receive remuneration from me. Consequently, use prudence.

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Your ex-wife, who signed the divorce papers, is a wealthy, independent woman.

PS: I’m not positive if I’ve ever told you this, but my sister Carla was given the name Carl at birth. I sincerely hope that will not become an issue.

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